"No Hope"
Acrylic on paper
approx 21cm x 29.7cm

"Hope is an illusion, it deceives us in order to have our hearts crushed and souls consumed. While in free fall it comes to a point where one realises that there is no hope, stops looking towards the heavens and stops praying for improvement and prays for the end, wants the end, hungers for it, because it cannot be worse than it is at this point in life. When we sink to our personal hell, when we are consumed by pain and hurt, stop trusting those around us and ourselves, when we stop looking at illusions such as hope, it is time to exhale and let go. Hell it cant be worse than this."

What I go through a day trying to reject my thoughts as evil demon deceiving me I would not wish upon anyone.  It is personal hell. Every time I have a thought, wish or desire, want to say something I have to take step back and think about it making sure it is the right thing to do.  There comes the time where one stops trusting themselves, being able to hold back, to control the chaos that is ones life.

Today the mixer died when I was making fillo dough for a pie, I was on breaking point however I did manage to cool off.  When the mixer cooled down and hubby did something to it, it started working again. Not so sure about it will work in long time. Life sucks but it is the way it is I guess, life is ment to be suffering, and trying to swim against the current knowing it is pointless.

"Despair: Personal Hell"
Acrylic on paper
Approx 21x29.7cm

Listed on EBAY starting from 19.99$ shipping and handling free

"I created my own bed now I have to lay down in it, at least my husband tells me so.  I watch things around me fading away, everything that matters, my wishes and goals becoming more and more unobtainable. It is hard to be a stranger where you have to live with strong cultural clash, with no one to give you hope or comfort. It is hard not to fit in the pretty little labelled box. It is hard knowing you will be far away from everything and everyone you ever loved and cared for, and that it has to be that way. It is hard to have to resort to escape in order to survive emotionally throughout the day. It is hard to wear a mask and pretend you are happy when deep down you are torn to shreds and there is nothing left. I wish things were different, however they are not and wont be for long time to come. It is my personal hell..."

Thing is things in life do not always occur the way they are supposed to.  I was supposed to go away today and that didnt happen due to gale blowing this morning so we just left for couple hours up to Emerald Lake Park. Last night suprisingly instead of usual not being able to find anyone for dungeon run on WoW, my hubby's co-worker and his wife spent 4h  running us through the dungeon. Things always occur in the wierd ways... I hope things in life occur for better at least I keep telling myself that.

"Despair: Succubus"
21cmx29.7cm
Acrylic on paper

Listed on EBAY for 19.99 including shipping and handling

"They say that the succubus is a female demon that comes in dreams, and seduces in the end consuming ones energy and soul. Despair, depression and pain is same way, it taunts and seduces, offering comfort, till in the end we think we cannot imagine life without it, slowly consuming us from within and before we realise we are ready to collapse on the heap on the floor and just let go of everything. It prays on us in our weak moments, from the darkness we create ourselves, and offers us those few moments where we accept things around us and stop struggling and just let go. I want to let go of everything and just exhale."

I am getting back to my old obsession prussian blue.  Some habbits are difficult to shake off. I get sometimes obsessed with working with monochromes, and with prussian blue I just love the depth and the mood of it.  I used to go through liters of the stuff in the past.  Now I am testing the textures wiping off the parts of the painting and starting again.

I spent the day in the park with Danijela. Kids had blast playing together for good 4h, they went nuts  runningon swings, and picking flowers while we had a cup of coffee and just had small talk.  It is great having someone to talk to.  Planning to go away tomorrow for the day.  I hope it does happen I need a break from things and a change of scenary. I will take my block and paint there while on beach and let the lil one jump in and out of water.... 

Despair: Seeing Negative
Acrylic on paper
Approx 21cmx29.7cm
Listed on EBAY for 20$ including shipping and handling.

Model: My dearest friend Ellie

Thing is as a mother I work my butt off, as an artist I do same and rarely see many results of my work.  It depresses me to see my work not sell, I get all bouncy when it sell its up and down roll-a-coaster. I know things are hard now due to economic shit, hell we even had to cancel our private health insurance today so we can keep up, but it is life.

I frequently want to see brighter side of life, however due to my nature I cannot. I know it is just the excause, however I am not sure how to see positive anymore. Everything angers me, or puts me even more  down where I want to crawl in little hole for no one to see me ever again. It annoys me when people tell me that there is nothing to be depressive about, hell I live in nice subur, have a lil princess who loves dancing and jumping on trampoline, however I do not belong to place I am at in my life.

My mother told me that depression makes a person only see negative things in life, and that they only see problems, I wish I could see the other side of the coin no matter how difficult it is for me now.

The drought of not selling is hitting hard home I wish I could sell something, anything just to give me that kick to make me happier for a minute but it wont happen. So i will sit at home, dabbing in some red or blue and playing with my nudes, keep looking at the wall or paper in front of me and hoping that the pain goes away together with the paint.