After long drought I am painting again slowly because physically I cant do much but I have finished quite few paintings recently just need to photo them.

On the left is new despair I had been working on and off for ages now and never had courage to finish it, however recently I had been driven to work more and more on it. 

Model: Tracie
Heart Reference with kind permissions: http://www.temoc.ws/

 It still has about 100h of work left on it lots of detailing and layering, and to be honest I dont expect anyone to understand what it is about except me, since the image crept on me in my dream. I dont expect anyone to understand the current mental state I am in, or the crap I am going through, except that I am trying really hard to make things work out, even when the hope is lost and dream is gone.

I have given up on many things recently, sadly many of them have been my dreams for ages, and I dont expect anyone to understand. Slipping dreams from hands, between fingers, dissapearing and dissepating into nothing, and when there is nothing else left, one just gets lost and dissapears. I just want everything to end.

My child started preschool on beginning of the month, and it has not been an easy ride, not due the separation and new routine, but because my lil one became the target of a bully in pre-school.  She was hit, spat at, hurt, had dirt tossed at her, her hair pulled, and it came to that stage where she has become extra anxious where she would rather force herself to vomit than go to school.  The other day she vomited in car in pre-school parking lot just so she would not have to face another day of being picked on.

I was shocked as a parent, sure we all went through being bullied in school more or less, but seeing my child in such state really hurt me and shook me up to the core.  I dont know what to do, short of encourage her.  She became difficult to manage for days after her session at preschool and just as she would settle her turn to go back in would come.  First indication that something was wrong was that when i took her to preschool she showed me the picture of the boy and said that the boy was spitting at her and hitting her.  I took it maybe its once off occurance, encouraged her and told her that she is awesome girl and that there must be something wrong with the boy and to tell him to stop. However next time i picked her up she had dirt all over her, not only over her shirt but all over her face and hair. I talked to teachers at the next session and told lil one to hit back if the boy hits her, I mean she should defend herself. Today the lil one I took her to playgroup and she was acting out of her normal cheerfull self by hiding behind my leg, not wanting to let go of me, and screaming in panic as soon any boy would approach her and hiding under the table shivering. I was suggested by other mothers in playgroup to see if I can transfer my lil one to another kinder.

When I got home lil one she went into hysterics and cried unconsollably for over 2h.  I could not do anything but try to cuddle her and give her encouragement.  As soon as she calmed down I put cartoon in for her grabbed the phone and went outside calling her teacher.  She was like that maybe lil one had difficult time adjusting and blah blah blah and I told her as I did before that lil one was being physically hurt in school which was not right, and described to her the boy that lil one described.  She was like that the boy  has problems, to be honest I dont care about that boys problems all I care is for my lil one to stop being hurt. She said I should tell my lil one to tell boy to stop it and to tell him it hurts her, while I am thinking why tell abuser that abuse hurts, its like telling a killer well you are killing me in painfull way... ?!? hell what is going on.... then she went on that i can transfer the lil one to other group... I was like HELLL WHAT IS GOING ON? My lil one is being hurt, and instead punishing the boy that is hurting her they want to punish her by transfering her to another goup? why not just move the boy that causes hurt and physicall pain to somewhere else, why force my lil one to change the environment when she likes the current group minus the boy that is hurting her? Why reward the abuser and punish one being bullied by moving them away from their peers?  Something is seriously wrong with this world.

Apparition
Acrylic on paper
21cm x 29.7cm

"Things from past sometimes emerge in our minds, like apparition, reminding us in haunting way the way the things used to be, and they seem to be so far away.  They emerge from shadows, and instead giving us strength to move forward increase the flames of our personal hell by increasing our regrets. Our identity slowly disappears as we conform to the reality of every day, as we conform to the wishes, wants and desires of people around us instead of chasing our own dreams.  I start to wonder when I have stopped chasing my dreams, and instead became teased by past that used to offer so much and now there is just drought."

What a week. Finally over thanks god. I slowed down for a week with ebay listings because I had drawing to finish for contest (below) after manic 130h of work on it it is finally over.  Last 20h were pain since I did it in one go, till at the end I could not see anymore, everything was fuzzy, hands were shaking and I was vomiting from exhaustion.  I turned it in for contest today, next week I will be helping with hanging. I worked my butt off.

"No Hope"
Acrylic on paper
approx 21cm x 29.7cm

"Hope is an illusion, it deceives us in order to have our hearts crushed and souls consumed. While in free fall it comes to a point where one realises that there is no hope, stops looking towards the heavens and stops praying for improvement and prays for the end, wants the end, hungers for it, because it cannot be worse than it is at this point in life. When we sink to our personal hell, when we are consumed by pain and hurt, stop trusting those around us and ourselves, when we stop looking at illusions such as hope, it is time to exhale and let go. Hell it cant be worse than this."

What I go through a day trying to reject my thoughts as evil demon deceiving me I would not wish upon anyone.  It is personal hell. Every time I have a thought, wish or desire, want to say something I have to take step back and think about it making sure it is the right thing to do.  There comes the time where one stops trusting themselves, being able to hold back, to control the chaos that is ones life.

Today the mixer died when I was making fillo dough for a pie, I was on breaking point however I did manage to cool off.  When the mixer cooled down and hubby did something to it, it started working again. Not so sure about it will work in long time. Life sucks but it is the way it is I guess, life is ment to be suffering, and trying to swim against the current knowing it is pointless.