"Despair: Succubus"
21cmx29.7cm
Acrylic on paper

Listed on EBAY for 19.99 including shipping and handling

"They say that the succubus is a female demon that comes in dreams, and seduces in the end consuming ones energy and soul. Despair, depression and pain is same way, it taunts and seduces, offering comfort, till in the end we think we cannot imagine life without it, slowly consuming us from within and before we realise we are ready to collapse on the heap on the floor and just let go of everything. It prays on us in our weak moments, from the darkness we create ourselves, and offers us those few moments where we accept things around us and stop struggling and just let go. I want to let go of everything and just exhale."

I am getting back to my old obsession prussian blue.  Some habbits are difficult to shake off. I get sometimes obsessed with working with monochromes, and with prussian blue I just love the depth and the mood of it.  I used to go through liters of the stuff in the past.  Now I am testing the textures wiping off the parts of the painting and starting again.

I spent the day in the park with Danijela. Kids had blast playing together for good 4h, they went nuts  runningon swings, and picking flowers while we had a cup of coffee and just had small talk.  It is great having someone to talk to.  Planning to go away tomorrow for the day.  I hope it does happen I need a break from things and a change of scenary. I will take my block and paint there while on beach and let the lil one jump in and out of water.... 

Despair: Seeing Negative
Acrylic on paper
Approx 21cmx29.7cm
Listed on EBAY for 20$ including shipping and handling.

Model: My dearest friend Ellie

Thing is as a mother I work my butt off, as an artist I do same and rarely see many results of my work.  It depresses me to see my work not sell, I get all bouncy when it sell its up and down roll-a-coaster. I know things are hard now due to economic shit, hell we even had to cancel our private health insurance today so we can keep up, but it is life.

I frequently want to see brighter side of life, however due to my nature I cannot. I know it is just the excause, however I am not sure how to see positive anymore. Everything angers me, or puts me even more  down where I want to crawl in little hole for no one to see me ever again. It annoys me when people tell me that there is nothing to be depressive about, hell I live in nice subur, have a lil princess who loves dancing and jumping on trampoline, however I do not belong to place I am at in my life.

My mother told me that depression makes a person only see negative things in life, and that they only see problems, I wish I could see the other side of the coin no matter how difficult it is for me now.

The drought of not selling is hitting hard home I wish I could sell something, anything just to give me that kick to make me happier for a minute but it wont happen. So i will sit at home, dabbing in some red or blue and playing with my nudes, keep looking at the wall or paper in front of me and hoping that the pain goes away together with the paint.

I have hit the bottom recently hence the lack of the posts.  Most of the days I dont even want to get out of the bed or do anything, just sulk and stare at the wall. I do not expect anyone to understand the things I am going through, even though there have been few brighter moments however the regrets are holding me back more than ever, and they hurt more than being torn to shreds.

I hate my lil one continually asking me why am I crying or why am I sad when I cannot articulate it in words, but sometimes my 4 year olds pearls of wisdom make me cheer up at least for the moment. I started doing ebay again hiping it would inspire me to try harder.  The sales are going as expected considering the economic panic that everyone is going through, some sold some didnt but I will keep pushing along, and hopefully build up my audience.

 I am really enjoying the life drawing group on tuesday nights at the gallery. I went to few sessions already. I find it very challenging to work with the 2 minute poses but I am improving.  When I get happy with the level they are at I will be happy to post them and share them. 

Danijela, new friend I met through painters group she is life-saver.  I could never thank her enough for giving me the strength to get through the week.  Our kids are playing together so that part is awesome. Nana is much happier for it.  She is now going to playgroup 3 times a week, and playing with other kids during which I get to drink at least a cup of coffee with a group of mothers, and realise some of us are all in the same boat. Being a parent is very challenging, and it is hard sometimes to push through the day and try to figure out what is all the best.

I created many new paintings and pencil drawing I am slowly working on.  It is slowly progressing.  I am hoping to enter that drawing when it is finished to the art contest next month, I hope I finish it.  The scan is not the best because scanner has this funny thing about losing half of shadows and midtones.

"Lighthouse", acrylic on paper, about A4 size

There is almost infinite amount of ways one can approach the same subject,  that matters so much to them.  I watched this lighthouse since I was a baby, and had tried to capture it many times through paintings and photography, trying to capture its spirit. It has had been a guiding light in my life.

I wanted to play with the textures, and single tone, to capture the things within me when I think about it, the sharp rocks forming abstracts shapes, scarce plants around it, and dynamic sky.  I wanted it multilayered just the same way life is, I dried brushed prussian blue and white over and over again to achieve the dynamic in it.  I am starting to enjoy this style.

I am starting to do much better recently, well in some ways thanks to antidepressants that just make me numb to things around me and within me and sometimes make me space out.  At least I am not crying anymore and am able to put on a brave mask.  Thing with pills they make me very sleepy, and if it was up to me I would spend whole day in bed without even wanting to get up and smell the roses.

Thursday and Friday I worked stuffing the envelopes with invoices.  I left my lil one with my mother in law.  Half way throughout the day I got panic phonecall to come pick my lil one and take her to doctor. I dropped it all even if it could mean that they might not call me back to work since I work as casual, and rushed to pick my lil one.  My mother in law told me she had been vomiting and turned all blue in face.