Happy thoughts:

• lil one waking me up with kisses
• kissing my lil one and fixing her blankie before going to bed and telling her i love her
• painting, turps, paint, paint between my fingers, paint on odd spots on me
• exhibiting art
• going to art shows
• my lil one giggling and smiling
• going to coffee with people (need to do it more often)
• selling a painting
• receiving positive thoughts from a client
• being back home with family and friends
• scuba diving with friends
• going to beach back home
• meditating
• taking care of my garden, watching my plants grow
• taking care of my plants
• swimming laps at the pool
• volunteering my time where it is appreciated
• cleaning fish tank
• having me time in the hot bath while listening to music
• singing
• going hiking
• photography
• going to concerts or theatre
• feeling appreciated
• my hubby cooking me dinner (with him cleaning up after it)
• seeing my friends succeed
• mowing the lawn

Dreams, wishes and wants are like balloons, and no matter how much they fill us with the hope, or give us joy or push us forward, sometimes the price to keep them is too big and we have to let them go, or they hit the bump on the wall and they explode making a lot of noise...

Life is always full of twists and turns and sometimes gives us hope that gives us wings to reach for unobtainable just to see us fail.  Sometimes it gives us the glimpse of way the things would be if they were different, and we sit there paralyzed entertaining the idea that most likely wont ever realise because it is to occur at the wrong place and wrong time, or maybe I am just at the wrong place...

The other day while World of Warcraft was down for maintenance and didnt know what to do with myself I realised in actuallity I have nothing.  When you take the every day distractions there is nothing left, no mattr how hard I try to make the things better.

I am back to my usual moods, down, sinking low intooblivion, crying day and night.  In past month I got asked by few different people a question: "Well what do you like about Australia?" and I could not give the answer because my heart is not in Australia but back home in Croatia. As every day I become more homesick, facing the inability to make the decision to move back, I grow more and more angry not only at a country I currently temporarily reside in, but also at myself and everyone around me. I do not notice things around me I just notice the things I do not have that I have back home, such as friends and family, social life, community, nature, sea, freedom, lack of censorship. 

When I came back to Australia I read about new censorship rules they are planning in Melbourne,  which pretty much mean I cannot exhibit my nudes, the things I am passionate about anymore.  I sent email to CAS for clarificationand got no answer back.  I am very dissapointed by the conservative environment Australia is becomming where being human, free thinker and liberal is becomming almost impossible.  It is oppressive, hurtful, and gives many artists no way to display their work, limits their career, and what is most scary of all is it limits ones ability of creating, thinking and speaking up.  What is the point of even being artist if you are not allowed to express yourself and say what you think and stand up for what you believe in.  This is just one of instances of things that disgoust me about this country.

I work very hard as artist, even though some do not consider it valid career choice, actually think its wasting ones time, thinking money is everything, when you take art away from me I have nothing else left, sure I have a daughter but I need to have the ability to express things within me. Also facing the prospects of not going back home any time soon, and realising that I most likely wont move back till my lil one is 18 hurts me beyond belief.  For past few days I have cried myself to sleep.  I cannot hold the tears that are within me back.