I wish things were simpler, non void, non empty.  I wish I would not feel like essence of me has been ripped out and left away behind me but it is... I sometimes wish I didnt make choices I have long time ago but I did and now my hands are tied and I surrender. Not like I can fix the past or move towards the future.  I just sit there facing the walls, trying to avoid things so I would not get even more upset, not trying to move on because there is nothing to move on to.  I just feel so empty.

I have been painting a lot recently, lets say it has been hard, because all the emotions rush out, because I let my subconscieous speak and then I cannot stop myself. It reflects itself of me physically, because I cannot help holding myself back, and that affects people around me because They do not like seeing things within me surfacing.

New meds I have been put on are pretty much making me a zombie on two feet, because I cannot help myself but be on couch allday without ability or will to move from the couch.  Lil one is sick so that all is hard, and I am very unhappy with everything. Anyhow I have been asked if I was willing todonate one of my paintings for the 1st Croatian Film Festival to be auctioned as part of the pre-festival activities in September. I have decided to paint a piece of home, one of my favourite spots on Sveti Petar, Makarska, Croatia.  That place always puts me at peace, because only by getting lost back home one can find themselves. I hope I manage to find myself one day.

Only Shell Left
Acrylic on Canvas
1.2m x 1m
© Sandra Andrijasevic Baraci, 2008, All Rights Reserved,  http://sandrabaraci.com

When your dreams are gone, when you give up on them, there is only shell left of your body, it functions like robot unable to do anything more than that.  The pain eats away, tears are dry and nothing is left, unable to feel any emotion towards anyone or anything. You buckle down in pain, on inside while on outside keeping up the appearances. You become a shell and nothing more than that, destroyed from within. There are no more dreams, no more hope, abandoned everything.

Like every other person just before deadlines start to hit I hit the panic button.  All that self doubt surfacing and I am not ready to face it. I cannot concentrate or focus, I work on 100 things at once.  I can do eather art,or be a mum or a housewife who turned back to the career.

Many are continually telling me that I should get the job that pays, I work hard here no one sees that everyone sees art as a hobby or some sort of pleasent side activity.  I am contemplating of getting a shitkicker helpdesk job or something, because of the pressure being inserted upon me.  Sometimes it hits me that my hubby is wonderfull because he puts up with all my crap, me painting, being sick without constant income, even trying to support me through the upcomming solo show.

I get up I read papers, have my 2-4 mugs of coffee while lil one struggles with breakfast, and yes it is my fault she eats one sandwich for 3-4h, and that she is skinny.  You cant force her to eat, to be honest no one can be forced to do anything...