Apparition
Acrylic on paper
21cm x 29.7cm

"Things from past sometimes emerge in our minds, like apparition, reminding us in haunting way the way the things used to be, and they seem to be so far away.  They emerge from shadows, and instead giving us strength to move forward increase the flames of our personal hell by increasing our regrets. Our identity slowly disappears as we conform to the reality of every day, as we conform to the wishes, wants and desires of people around us instead of chasing our own dreams.  I start to wonder when I have stopped chasing my dreams, and instead became teased by past that used to offer so much and now there is just drought."

What a week. Finally over thanks god. I slowed down for a week with ebay listings because I had drawing to finish for contest (below) after manic 130h of work on it it is finally over.  Last 20h were pain since I did it in one go, till at the end I could not see anymore, everything was fuzzy, hands were shaking and I was vomiting from exhaustion.  I turned it in for contest today, next week I will be helping with hanging. I worked my butt off.

"Cybersex"

HB Pencil on paper, approx 21cm x 29.7cm

Model: Sharon

This drawing was royal pain in ass... title for contest was modest - cybersex real title is wanking off in front of computer.  Drawing it was pain in ass and now I know why I usually do not use the pencil because I get obsessive with it drawing all the lines making sure that there are no smudges that everything is where it needs to be. It was driving me crazy drawing I was in obsessive madness.

I did tons of new paintings too:

"Apparition 2"
Acrylic on paper

"I get haunted a lot by the way things used to be, and regret because things cannot be that way any more that way.  I get lost frequently in my fantasy of moving back home, being where I belong instead of living as a stranger in strange country. The joy, the happiness and sense of belonging haunt me like apparition, like a ghost from the past, I long for them knowing they will disappear as soon as I touch them, they will be gone forever. They are there conjured out of my memories in back of my mind, giving me the promisse that things should be that way, seducing me, and I get more miserable by the reality of the life, where I live between four walls without much personal contact with other people, without sense of belonging, in sense like a ghost, unable to move onwards."

" Darkess She Brings"
Acrylic on paper

"Sometimes in our darkest we realise the darkness we have brought upon us, and inflicted it on others, and we do not know how to stop that darkness, how to move onwards, towards the light, when everywhere you move there are just dark shadows consuming. We are in shock of realisation of the consequences of our actions, even if they are not intentional, in moments when we are too concerned with ourselves to realise the needs of others. I wish things would change, the cycle would end, not only for me but others around me... Darkness I bring...."

I had few sales this week on etsy which was a shock.  I was really trully surprised and upbeat about having to pack 3 of them from etsy away one to UK, and 2 to states. I will keep pushing both to see what happens.  I set myself a goal to save up for new desktop by xmass will see if it happens.

On Monday night on way to painters group I fell down and scraped of my whole left underarm It still hurts like hell and leaks liquid in few off colours.  I hope it passes soon. 

Tuesday night I had tons of fun drawing a first live model male ever.  I found him much more flexible in pose than women are, he even did a short bendy pose for us at the end of the 2h long pose which was awesome. I really like expressive poses, be that man or a woman. I am not always in mood for soft poses, i like to see those muscles so I learrn anatomy better and to see how things hang together.  Men are interesting since they get angles and shadows comming out of nowhere.  Even though  I prefer to paint women, it is interesting to stretch one self to paint opposite sex.