© Sandra Pelly, 2014, All Rights Reserved, artfromsoul.com
Acrylic on card stock, A4 size
I am made of salt and stone, and centuries of history. It all melds inside of me making a stone towns and streets inside, I used to grow red geraniums in windows before i drew the blinds. The sky is melting, erasing, everything is disappearing, hardly there is anything left. All doors and windows are latched and locked shut, streets ended up being empty, and people same as me erased. My soul is disappearing, slowly, eating itself away. Sometimes I feel like in child empress in never ending story, where my world is disolving into nothing to be named again, reinvented, however I think I gave in, I let nothingness consume me, and my world, there is hardly anything left short of a bit of golden light behind the closed window.
I frequently sink in my own mind, drown in my own emotions, i let my own insecurities overwhelm me, my own inner voices being my critics. My dreams are drowned, hardly any left, I just live from day to day, not even wishing to do so... It all started as a dream then it just thinned down after consuming me.
Acrylic on A4 card stock
© Sandra Pelly, All Rights Reserved, artfromsoul.com
Trying something new.
My head is still a mess, mostly negative mess. I go between sad and angry, sad and angry, over and over again. I dont even want to get up anymore, its all pointless, my world is melting away, slipping away. I forget everything that is going on or have done in past few hours. I forgot I took my daughter to school so I had to ask my husband if I had dropped her off. I forget how to live, how to want to live. Its all dripping and drooping inside of me. I feel I am crumbling, giving away the sanity. Everything is irrelevant, meaningless, pointless...
I decided the other day to finally face my fears in face the great complicated monster called green colour, and try still life. God knows I really hate both and both frustrate hell out of me. Green is like this ellusive beast difficult to tame, I always get it wrong no matter what I do... so 3 pears on table instead in juicer pencil and some acrylics. A while later I finally got shapes right and shadows with burnt umber and then green came YIKES!!!! what a nightmare no beginning or end. I could not get it right for life of me - the pear on the far right. I went over it with white numerous times, had white and green all over me and could not get it right for life of me. I cannot master the beast. Tried adding blue and yellow and using burnt sienna and red iron oxide and it went nowhere. I went to toilet with half of my hair missing and there were little hands all over my painting - God bless Stella my charming 2 year terror-naught. I love her to bits but I think she had enough of me stressing and pulling my hair out over green. This is the result. I kinda like it will frame it for her room. Its first time she grabbed my acrylic paints lol. Now she cant have enough she has part of my drafting board allocated to her where she has fun while i paint and she is being potty trained.
I feel broken and blind. I cant see reality in positive way, there is only darkness engulfing, there is anger, sadness, wish to cease. There are no desires for tomorrow, there is nothing, every day is same, routine, pushing forward while not seeing. Its all empty, and scary thing is that emptiness is seducing me, taunting me, blinding me more and more. I just want it all to end. My thoughts are tangled mess.